Posted by The Shamrock on

I had a dream

The newest episode of the show should be up sometime this week. It just has to be made first. With that being said. You may or may not hear me comment on the subject of this blog in the show.

Posted by The Shamrock on

I finally found my calling…

Well maybe not my calling, but a cash cow at least.Thursday morning a Houston news station was advertising that a pet psychic would be on the program in their next segment. He or She was supposed to be able to look at a picture of your pet and tell you what they were thinking. Of course the newscasters were very giddy. “We might even have a live pet her the psychic can communicate with.”
Unfortunately, my daily commutes to the lair kept me from seeing the program. The tease did get me to thinking though. A few weeks ago before canceling my Sirius subscription I was listing to a talk show where two ladies gave men relationship advice. It’s amazing what people will share on the radio! Anyway, one of the ladies made a point several times to mention she was not a psychic, but a “medium”. She kept saying things like “sometimes it’s a burden to have this gift, but it is my calling.” Here’s a scenario that was repeated several times while I was listening.

Lady Host 1: Let’s go to Fred in Problem Town, he’s worried his wife is having an affair.

Fred: Hello, ladies. I’m having a problem with my wife not trusting me anymore.

Lady Host 1: Can you give us an example Fred?

Fred: Well it all started when I went to see a psychic a few years ago. I asked the psychic if my wife was having an affair. Madame Takurmonee told me that there was a very good chance my wife was having an affair. So I hired a private investigator to follow my wife around. He followed her for six months, and found no evidence or hint that my wife was unfaithful. So I went back to another psychic.

Lady Host 2- Medium: What did she say?

Fred: She said there was a good chance my wife would no longer trust me if she found out she was being followed by a private investigator.

Lady Host 2- Medium: Fred, I’m seeing something here. It’s a Grandfather figure that recently passed.

Lady Host 1: Fred, did you have a grandfather that passed?

Fred: Yeah, like 20 years ago.

Lady Host 1: “Lady Host 2- Medium” you are so amazing. You truly do have a gift. OK Fred, what was your question for “Lady Host 2- Medium”.

Fred: Well my wife did find out I had hired a PI to follow her. She no longer trusts me and says she will leave me if I do it again. So I just want to know if “Lady Host 2- Medium” can tell if the spirit world knows whether or not my wife had an affair. Also I’d like to know if my wife is going to leave me.”

Lady Host 2- Medium: Fred, the grandfather figure I told you about is telling me that you should stop hassling your wife about having an affair or she will leave you. The figure also tells me that we’re not meant to know about everything in this life.

Lady Host 1: Thanks for calling Fred. You really do need to seek some counseling for your trust issues. “Lady Host 2-Medium” you are so awesome!

I wish I could say I made that all up. Unfortunately, my material is not that great. I paraphrased everything, but that’s pretty much how the call went. So I’m thinking of becoming a medium/pet psychic. Even though I know it’s just a cash cow, my gullible patrons won’t. How can they prove that I didn’t talk to their great great great grandmother from the great beyond? How can they prove that their dog does not think they are schmucks? It’s a win win situation. People will just call my 800 number or visit Pay me my jack, I’ll make up some crap and they’ll go on their way. Maybe they’ll come back to me. Maybe they won’t.

Posted by The Shamrock on

Please consult your doctor…

Last week I watched the Biggest Loser Four finale on NBC with my brother and his wife.
At the end of the show they give a disclaimer that you should consult with a doctor before starting any kind of weight loss program. In our society of endless litigation, I understand why they have the disclaimers. It doesn’t mean they always make sense.

My brother and I both commented on the disclaimer. Here’s how we see it.
Let’s assume I’m on a fast food diet, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the fast food joint of your choice. On top of that, I drink six soft drinks a day. I never exercise, and live for in between snacks of ice cream, cookies, cake, and brownies.

Then one day, I decide I need to change my life. “I need to start taking care of my body, cut all this crap out. I’m going to start eating veggies, fruits, and cut all the crap out. You know what, I think I’m going to exercise too.”
Oh but wait! I can’t do that yet on my own. I need to go see a doctor and make sure it’s all right. He might not approve of me eating better, cutting out crap, and exercising. I better make an appointment.

Me: (Picks up phone and calls doctor’s office) “hi this is Randall; I’m a really fat guy and have decided to live healthier. I’m going to cut out fast foods and start exercising. I was watching The Biggest loser and the disclaimer says I need to check with my doctor first.”

Dr. Malpractice’s office: “That is correct sir; you need to get in here right away. You could cause serious injury to yourself if you cut out fast foods and start exercising. Why don’t you come in and see us this afternoon. Until then don’t do anything foolish. In fact you might want to hit the value menus at Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s on the way in. If that doesn’t hold you off, be sure and stop by James Coney Island for some cheese fries.”

Me: “OK, I’m on my way. May take me a few hours. There’s one open artery going into my heart. I want to make sure it’s clogged before I get there.”

Fast forward to doctor’s office….

Nurse: “Come on back Randall. We need to do some tests, so here are a few candy bars. Be sure and eat them before Dr. Malpractice comes in the exam room.”

(Doctor Malpractice comes in exam room)

Dr. Malpractice: “Randall, I’ve been looking at your file and we have a lot of work to do. You’re very fat and out of shape. We need to wean you off of fast foods and get you to start exercising.”

Me: “I know doctor, I’ve ready to change my life. I can just stop eating fast foods all together and start exercising today. Was thinking of taking a 30 minute walk when I get home.”

Doctor Malpractice: “I’m the doctor here. It’s not healthy to cause shock to your system. You could have a “no-grease reaction”. We don’t want that. Happened to a guy last week, and the results were not pretty. Had to do emergency surgery to remove his hand from his mouth. Apparently, he started hallucinating and thought his hand was a foot long Coney from Sonic.”

Me: “OK, just tell me what I need to do.”

Doctor Malpractice: I want you to do a gradual cut back of fast foods. Tonight for dinner, I want you to eat two cheeseburgers and some fries. Make sure you have a shake too. For exercise, just consider the walk from your car to the door good enough. Don’t want you to push yourself too hard on the first day.”

The End

*Randall Murphy is not a licensed physician; you should contact your physician before starting this or any weight loss program.